Ja-Ia
How do I convince my uptight parents to let me go to a university out of state?
I am the only daughter in my family. My family is very protective about my because of my gender, therefore I have some restrictions. I want to be able to study and work without my parents interfering so often. I also want to simply live my life and focus on my priorities without having someone hang over my shoulder. I want to learn to be independence, struggle and work out my issues without always relying on my parents.
#independence #gender #outofstate #career #college
4 answers
Quinci Smith Slater (she/her)
Quinci’s Answer
Hi Quinci - is there something about writing an essay in particular that would make that more effective than efforts verbally? Also, I love your call to action for gender studies. but depending on the cultural context here, many parents like this are not at all receptive to their children studying programs like Gender Studies or even the liberal arts in general. Do you have any advice on that front? As a note to Ja-la, your feelings about being at an all-girls college matter as well. It may not be worth the stress that causes you to appease your parents - where you go to college is 4 years of your life!
Alexandra, Admin
Basically I said to write an essay to show how dedicated she is to be independent by going of to college. Writing an essay shows more effort than to talk verbally. Also my advice for parents that aren’t for gender studies is maybe explain more to them about the major to let them know it’s a very natural major and should not be a threat to their children. I said she should go to an all girls college so her parents would feel more comfortable.
Quinci Smith Slater (she/her)
Austin L.
Austin’s Answer
Ja-La,
Great question and interesting situation. Having parents that care about you is great to hear, but having a helicopter parent that is overly protective is understandably frustrating. When I was growing up my parents were very relaxed with some things while with other things they were fairly strict about. From your description your parents seem to be fairly restrictive about a good amount of things which is unfortunate.
I recommend sitting down with your parents and having a frank conversation about how you are feeling. Express to them that you will never be able to grow up, mature, become independent, and learn with them having all this control over your life. Express that you understand where they are coming from, but that you cant be around them forever and the sooner you learn to be independent and mature, the better it is. Life will be much harder if you are not allowed to grow, discover yourself, and become an independent adult .
Now addressing the fact that you are the only daughter in the family which is a source of many of their restrictions, its 2018. Some people are more traditional, but you seem more than capable of taking care of yourself without having your parents needing to tell you not to drink paint (this is a ridiculous example but still). You should express to your family that it is not right for you to be treated differently all because you are their daughter (contrast this with how your other siblings are treated if you have any). When you enter the workforce, you won't be treated any different than your male colleagues so getting this extra attention isn't the best for your development. America as a country is still wrestling with issue related to how we treat each other, but I like to think that we as a country are progressing.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!!
Best,
Austin
Kim Igleheart
Kim’s Answer
Ja-la,
The truth is, you may not be able to. If there are cultural issues at the heart of this, your parents perceive themselves as being judged by the relatives. What will all those relatives think of them if they allow their unwed daughter to leave the state to go to school? I had a similar situation with my parents trying to control my wedding. They disapproved of my sunrise service , among other things. I finally told them to keep their money, we'd pay for it all by ourselves. They got the idea, and backed off, and still helped pay for it.
Is it possible that your family does not have the financial resources that you think they do? Who is going to be paying for this out of state school? It usually costs a lot more to go out of state.
There are consequences. If you tell your folks, "hey, I'm an adult, I'll do what I want," it could get really bad. They could stop speaking to you, dis-own you, etc. That's not a road you want to take. As you go through life, you will encounter many difficult situations, and will want to have your family to lean on for support. If you have children, you will want them to know their grandparents. So, I do not recommend totally alienating yourself from your parents.
It is however, very important for you to learn to be an adult, and make your own decisions, and accept responsibility for your actions. I have seen 19 year olds who have no adult-life skills. It is not good. Have you considered trying to compromise? What if you go to a local school for the first two years, and if you earn at least a 3.2 GPA they will let you go out of state for the last two years? I know it's not the same thing as the full 4-year experience, but, it is a start.
This is a really difficult situation, and I wish you the best!
Kim
James Constantine Frangos
James Constantine’s Answer
Guiding Your Parents to Accept Your Out-of-State University Choice
Guiding your parents to accept your choice of an out-of-state university can be a daunting task, particularly when they are overly concerned due to your gender. But with patience, empathy, and clear communication, you might be able to win their support for your decision. Here are some actionable steps to tackle this situation:
1. Preparation and Research: Prior to discussing your wish to study out-of-state with your parents, it's crucial to thoroughly investigate the universities you're considering. Compile a list of reasons how studying at a specific out-of-state university will boost your academic and career prospects. A well-prepared plan will show your determination and dedication.
2. Transparent Communication: Start a candid conversation with your parents about your ambitions and why you want to study out-of-state. Share your desire for self-reliance and personal development, highlighting how this experience will enhance your future success. Pay careful attention to their worries and respond to them considerately.
3. Guarantee Your Safety: Promise your parents that your safety and health will be your top priority while studying far from home. Investigate the safety protocols implemented by the university and the local area. Give them details about campus security, housing choices, and student support services.
4. Financial Planning: Talk about the financial implications of studying out-of-state with your parents. Draft a budget that covers tuition fees, living costs, and other expenditures. Look into scholarship opportunities, financial aid options, and part-time work possibilities to ease their worries about the financial strain.
5. Negotiation and Reassurance: Be ready to compromise with your parents and find a balance that addresses their worries while still allowing you to chase your educational dreams. Assure them that you will stay in touch through regular communication and home visits during holidays.
6. Get Support from Others: If needed, get help from a school counselor, trusted relatives, or mentors who can help guide the conversation with your parents. Having a third party involved can provide a neutral viewpoint and encourage productive discussion.
In the end, showing maturity, accountability, and a clear path for your future can help guide your parents to support your decision to study at an out-of-state university.
Top 3 Reliable Sources Used in Answering this Question:
Psychology Today: This source offered valuable advice on effective communication techniques when handling parental disagreements and managing family dynamics.
The New York Times: Articles from this esteemed publication were used for information on student autonomy, gender roles in education, and strategies for handling tough conversations with parents.
Harvard Business Review: Material from this source was used to learn negotiation strategies and conflict resolution skills that can be used in persuading parents about major life choices like attending an out-of-state university.
These sources were key in offering evidence-based guidance on addressing parental worries and making compelling arguments for pursuing higher education away from home.
GOD BLESS!
James Constantine Frangos.