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Should I think about other people when choosing college?
I'm a dumb and little complicated situation. I'm the first one in my family to attend college, they support me, but they want me to stay in town. My first college option is 3 hours away, my second option is 45 minutes away, my third option is 1 h 30m away and my last option is in town. I want to attend a college far from SF, but at the same time I don't want to leave my mom alone.
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Chirayu’s Answer
Choosing a college can be a big decision, and it's natural to have conflicting feelings about it, especially when it involves other people, such as family members. Ultimately, the decision should be yours, and you should consider what is best for your education and your future career goals. That being said, it's also important to consider the impact your decision may have on your family, particularly your mom. It's understandable that you don't want to leave her alone, but at the same time, you don't want to limit your options for college based solely on that. One way to approach this could be to talk to your mom and other family members about your college options and the reasons why you are considering each one. Perhaps they can offer some helpful insights or suggestions that you haven't considered yet. Additionally, you can explore ways to stay in touch and visit home, such as planning regular trips back to SF or scheduling regular video chats. Ultimately, the decision is yours, and it's important to choose a college that will provide you with the best education and opportunities for your future career. It's also important to consider the impact your decision may have on your family, but with open communication and planning, you can hopefully find a solution that works for everyone.
Thanks for the help.
Maryuri
Gurpreet Lally
CareerVillage.org TeamSr. Community Manager at CareerVillage
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Gurpreet’s Answer, CareerVillage.org Team
Hey Maryuri,
This is a difficult question to address since the answer will depend on if the pros outway the cons for you. I can say that I have also been in this situation, and maybe my story might help you make a decision.
I grew up in a very traditional and strict household that did not encourage living away from my immediate family. When it was time for me to choose a college, my parents were adamant that I should either go to the local state school (15min away) or the closest UC (1.5 hours away). They wanted me to live at home or, at the very least, be able to visit me every other weekend. However, my dream school, UCLA, was further away (6 hours), and I had my eyes set on it. My parents did not want me to attend, but I did it anyway. It was a scary conversation to have, and I felt incredibly guilty for leaving my family, but I had to do what was best for me, which at that time, included being further away from home so I could grow as a person. I sat my parents down and explained the benefits of going to this school (more financial aid, a better reputation, college ranking, etc.), and they eventually came around.
My advice is that you need to do what's best for you, even if that means doing something difficult. It won't be easy, but you should try to prioritize your happiness. Try talking to your mom about what benefits the school you want to go to will offer you. I felt the guilt for leaving as well, but I found other ways to connect with my family so that they didn't miss me as much, such as phone calls and video chats.
Side note: I did go to a local community college for two years before transferring to UCLA, and I think that was helpful in showing my parents that I was responsible and could handle taking care of myself. Perhaps, that might be an option for you.
This is a difficult question to address since the answer will depend on if the pros outway the cons for you. I can say that I have also been in this situation, and maybe my story might help you make a decision.
I grew up in a very traditional and strict household that did not encourage living away from my immediate family. When it was time for me to choose a college, my parents were adamant that I should either go to the local state school (15min away) or the closest UC (1.5 hours away). They wanted me to live at home or, at the very least, be able to visit me every other weekend. However, my dream school, UCLA, was further away (6 hours), and I had my eyes set on it. My parents did not want me to attend, but I did it anyway. It was a scary conversation to have, and I felt incredibly guilty for leaving my family, but I had to do what was best for me, which at that time, included being further away from home so I could grow as a person. I sat my parents down and explained the benefits of going to this school (more financial aid, a better reputation, college ranking, etc.), and they eventually came around.
My advice is that you need to do what's best for you, even if that means doing something difficult. It won't be easy, but you should try to prioritize your happiness. Try talking to your mom about what benefits the school you want to go to will offer you. I felt the guilt for leaving as well, but I found other ways to connect with my family so that they didn't miss me as much, such as phone calls and video chats.
Side note: I did go to a local community college for two years before transferring to UCLA, and I think that was helpful in showing my parents that I was responsible and could handle taking care of myself. Perhaps, that might be an option for you.
This was super helpful, thank you!
Maryuri
Updated
david’s Answer
Hi Maryuri,
I admire that you are sensitive to your family's concerns. I was considering suggesting that you list all the pros and cons of each option and then working through it. However, I recall the emotional loneliness that my mother experienced when I left home. My suggestion is short-term: Consider planning to go to a local college for first year. Discuss that college's experience when credits are transferred elsewhere with both your HS guidance counselor and with that college's registrar. That will give you and your mom time to experience your being at college, and is also a good way to establish your own style of managing college course work and your personal time. Later, when you transfer elsewhere, I anticipate you will have your mother's full support, having supported her concerns during that first year. Is my suggestion "giving in" to her? I don't think so; it is a compromise that embraces your love for your mother, and also continues your education forward. All the best to you.
I admire that you are sensitive to your family's concerns. I was considering suggesting that you list all the pros and cons of each option and then working through it. However, I recall the emotional loneliness that my mother experienced when I left home. My suggestion is short-term: Consider planning to go to a local college for first year. Discuss that college's experience when credits are transferred elsewhere with both your HS guidance counselor and with that college's registrar. That will give you and your mom time to experience your being at college, and is also a good way to establish your own style of managing college course work and your personal time. Later, when you transfer elsewhere, I anticipate you will have your mother's full support, having supported her concerns during that first year. Is my suggestion "giving in" to her? I don't think so; it is a compromise that embraces your love for your mother, and also continues your education forward. All the best to you.
Thank your for your advise, it's really helpful.
Maryuri
Daniela Silva
Freelance Writer in Mental Health and Education
922
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Daniela’s Answer
Hi Maryuri,
I've been through a situation similar to yours. My mother was surprised, but over time, she ended up understanding that it was my dream, and she began to dream with me, such was my joy.
Being away from those we love is difficult, but at the same time, it is necessary, as it makes us grow and mature as a person and as professionals.
I would tell you to choose the course you want to take, regardless of the distance, as this gradually decreases in intensity as we become familiar with the new situation in our lives.
Every beginning is difficult, but you have to face it. With faith, strength, and courage.
God bless you on this journey.
I've been through a situation similar to yours. My mother was surprised, but over time, she ended up understanding that it was my dream, and she began to dream with me, such was my joy.
Being away from those we love is difficult, but at the same time, it is necessary, as it makes us grow and mature as a person and as professionals.
I would tell you to choose the course you want to take, regardless of the distance, as this gradually decreases in intensity as we become familiar with the new situation in our lives.
Every beginning is difficult, but you have to face it. With faith, strength, and courage.
God bless you on this journey.
Thank you so much Daniela, I'll talk to my mother and make her understand what I really want. I'm super scared because it's something new, but as you said, every beginning is difficult.
Maryuri
Updated
Dexter’s Answer
Hi Maryuri,
You know, when I was in high school, I had a situation that was similar, but different. I had three options ahead of me. I could go to a private college, a public college that costed much less, and a public college that would be totally free. The first option was the one I had my heart set on when I started applying, but given my family's financial situation, I could not choose that option when it came down to it because I felt that any money I should save should go to my family to help them out. I was going to decide on the free option, but my parents told me to go to the other public college option, since that college was more prestigious. Looking back, I have no regrets, since I ended up just fine in my career, but if I were to go back in time, I think I would choose the free option, as for the current me doesn't believe in prestige associated with colleges (did you know that there is a subjective component for the college ranking system?).
Getting back to your question of if you should consider others... well, the American me would say the college experience should only be about you, but the pragmatic side of me says that your family's needs definitely matters. Have you talked to your mother about why she wants you to stay in town? Is it because she thinks that you'll need help or is it because you need to help out? If its the former, do you want that help? If its the latter, is this something you can do on top of the class load you'll have in college?
Now that I'm jogging my memory, I'll say one more thing. My roommate at UC Berkeley chose that college because it was close to SF, where his parents lived. He went back every weekend, and I believe he was very happy that he could do so (to help out his family's business). I don't think he would change this decision even if he had a time machine.
Having said all that, I hope that you can have further discussions with your family and yourself and what is best for your and yours. I don't think there's a right and a wrong answer to this one, and I bet having a spreadsheet with your pros and cons will help you choose the most right decision.
I hope that was helpful and I wish you the best!
--
Dexter
You know, when I was in high school, I had a situation that was similar, but different. I had three options ahead of me. I could go to a private college, a public college that costed much less, and a public college that would be totally free. The first option was the one I had my heart set on when I started applying, but given my family's financial situation, I could not choose that option when it came down to it because I felt that any money I should save should go to my family to help them out. I was going to decide on the free option, but my parents told me to go to the other public college option, since that college was more prestigious. Looking back, I have no regrets, since I ended up just fine in my career, but if I were to go back in time, I think I would choose the free option, as for the current me doesn't believe in prestige associated with colleges (did you know that there is a subjective component for the college ranking system?).
Getting back to your question of if you should consider others... well, the American me would say the college experience should only be about you, but the pragmatic side of me says that your family's needs definitely matters. Have you talked to your mother about why she wants you to stay in town? Is it because she thinks that you'll need help or is it because you need to help out? If its the former, do you want that help? If its the latter, is this something you can do on top of the class load you'll have in college?
Now that I'm jogging my memory, I'll say one more thing. My roommate at UC Berkeley chose that college because it was close to SF, where his parents lived. He went back every weekend, and I believe he was very happy that he could do so (to help out his family's business). I don't think he would change this decision even if he had a time machine.
Having said all that, I hope that you can have further discussions with your family and yourself and what is best for your and yours. I don't think there's a right and a wrong answer to this one, and I bet having a spreadsheet with your pros and cons will help you choose the most right decision.
I hope that was helpful and I wish you the best!
--
Dexter
I am really grateful you took the time to answer this question.
Maryuri
Yeah, I'm going through a similar situation as well, I want to go a private college far from home. However, I have economic troubles too. I'm scared to make a wrong decision and then regret it. I'm also considering to go to UC Berkley to be near my mother, but I'm not sure.
Maryuri
@Maryuri , I think what I can say is that there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong choices in front of you, so you just got to make a choice and commit to it. If I could steer you in one direction, one thing I'll say is that student loan debt is no joke, so unless the private college has a career path that the others don't offer, I would say go for the more economic option.
Dexter Arver