Can you comment on my college essay please?
Hello! I'm an international student and I came to the US to study my senior year of high school. As I started applying to colleges, I had to write an essay. I wrote this one but I have no clue how it is. I would appreciate some honest comments on it :)
“We can come no further.” my mother said. I hugged her for the last time and she whispered in my ear, ”Good luck my butterfly!” and I walked through the gate without looking back. I knew from that moment I was walking into a whole new world. The struggles with my suitcases were telling me that in this new phase, my father would not be there to hold my suitcases for me; like anytime before. I was all on my own.
The new world for me was the United States. That day, my flight was carrying me so that I would start my senior year of high school in America. It is not ordinary for teenagers to leave their homes in my country, Iran. In fact, people usually stick to their parents’ house until their mid-20s. So imagine how surprising it was for my family when I told them that I was planning to go not only to live in a dorm but in another country! The first reactions I encountered was to change my mind. “You don’t even know how to use a washing machine!” My mother told me. To be honest, she was right. For me, who was always in the full support of my family was hard to let go of everything suddenly. But I was eager to do so! I truly loved my life in Iran, but I felt that the world had much more to offer than what I already had. The fact that I was living in Iran which has limited opportunities was a strong reason. For example, I even had to travel to a neighboring country to get a visa because the American embassy does not exist in Iran! Do not get me wrong though; a big part of my heart always belongs to Iran. But I just felt like a butterfly surrendered by its own cocoon, as Mehdi Yarahi, an inspiring Persian singer says in his song. Iran was the muse for me to start risking out of my safe zone and end up in the land of opportunities.
As I walked out of the plane onto American soil, I felt a mix of excitement and stress. After all, I was here! Right from that moment, my struggles started. I was starting to realize how difficult it is to deal with everything when you are alone and people around you are from a totally different culture. In the dorm, everybody had at least one person speaking their language, except me! I found it really hard at first; I would have gone to sleep with the thought that I had not spoken my language in days! Since most of the dormitory population was Asians, they had the privilege to at least feel like home when they were in the dorm; but for me, not only in school I was in a culture that had no similarity to mine, but the dorm also was nothing like my home.
With the passage of time, I started to realize how being alone in such an environment was a blessing! There was no special place for me in any group, so I could be a part of every group. I had the opportunity to learn about other cultures and introduce mine to them as well. Also, my English skills improved unbelievably fast! I was so surprised at how things can change from pain to growth.
Since my first day here, every day has been full of new things to discover. Although I was not enjoying every second of it, in the end, I am so proud of myself for managing to change from that spoiled girl to someone who believes has the power to overcome anything. As Bob Marley says: “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”
Thank y'all!
8 answers
James Constantine Frangos
James Constantine’s Answer
Certainly, let's review your college essay.
**Strengths:**
* **Personal and Engaging:** You start with a strong, emotional hook – the departure from your family. This immediately draws the reader in and sets the stage for your personal journey.
* **Honest and Reflective:** You openly discuss the challenges you faced, such as cultural differences and loneliness. This honesty makes your essay relatable and authentic.
* **Focus on Growth:** You effectively demonstrate how your experiences, even the difficult ones, led to personal growth and a deeper understanding of yourself and the world.
* **Strong Conclusion
God Bless You!
The Little Aussie Battler.
seyed hamid’s Answer
I am also Iranian. I believe you are so brave and intelligent that a life without challenges would be boring for you. Creative people like you are always looking for problems to overcome. As we say, your head smells like Ghormeh Sabzi! You daughters of Iran are our pride. I am sure you will reach any position you aspire to. Please, never forget Persian literature and use this blessing for comfort and peace. I hope you achieve all your dreams.
Rian’s Answer
This was incredibly well written and I love how well you were able to encapsulate your experiences. One thing I would mention is your use of "I". You use "I" multiple times which while does have its places, can become a little redundant. Something that could help improve your application would be "showing, not telling". For example, instead of saying " I truly loved my life in Iran, but I felt that the world had much more to offer than what I already had. The fact that I was living in Iran which has limited opportunities was a strong reason. " Instead, I might say "My life in Iran while amazing, had its moments that left me wanting more." By cutting down on your usage of I, you will be able to create a stronger story narrative. Another thing I would comment on is your use of exclamation marks. I would limit your use of them to 2, instead of 8, as exclamation marks are generally seen as a sign of informal writing. Your college essay should have a more formal tone than a normal narrative. Regardless, you have a great essay and I wish you all the best of luck!
Martha’s Answer
- I assume that this is your Common App essay. If so, it should answer one of the prompts - https://www.commonapp.org/blog/2023-2024-common-app-essay-prompts. Yours could address Prompts 1,2, 5 or 7. You should decide and potentially tweak it to make the prompt clear.
- The point of the essay is to tell them something about you that they would not know from the rest of your application. And the point of that is to help them picture you at their campus. I agree with Michelle that you do an excellent job of sharing your motivation and feelings. If you were to make changes, do not say more about the surrounding environment. We already know how challenging going to a foreign country by yourself is.
- Michelle covered grammatical points very well. I agree with Bob and her that you write very well. My only other suggestion is to break up the first paragraph into at least two paragraphs, for example, starting a new paragraph at "As I walked out of the plane ." Admission officers necessarily have to read these essays quickly so giving them more white space is a good idea.
Good luck!
Bob Echols
Bob’s Answer
What a wonderful experience you have had, and welcome to the US! We are glad to have you! You have done really well in learning English, a most difficult language to master, even for native speakers!
You don't mention the purpose of your essay, but for the sake of this answer let me assume that you ae interested in creative writing, and that you wish to better your creative writing skills.
If that be the case, here are some quick thoughts.
If your goal is to describe the surrounding environments along the way of your journey, then I suggest you alter your focus from yourself to your surroundings. Describe your surroundings, and as a part of that description flow into the impression those surroundings made on you, any changes in your thinking or expectations they brought about, that sort of thing.
If your goal is to describe your interior state, a type of stream of consciousness effort a la Woolfe or Joyce, then we need to hear much more about your thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Concentrate on them, and from that concentration we will derive a sense not only of your interior emotions, but also the surroundings giving rise to those emotions.
Either way, if you circle the number of time you utilize the pronoun "I" and its complements "me", "my", " myself" etc. you will discern a focus on you personally that doesn't give us enough insight into who you really are. We need to know who you are before we can truly relate to what you experience.
I recommend you focus either on your surroundings, or on your interior state. Do that, and we'll learn who Shadi truly is. We look forward to making your acquaintance!
Best of luck, and again, welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Adam’s Answer
Sharpy’s Answer
Michelle’s Answer
Your essay is so beautiful and depicts your personal experience of discovering a new land and new people. I love it, actually. There are few grammatical and punctuation issues that would need correction, but it didn't take away from the mood or picture you've painted about your experience. Essays can sometimes be restrictive due to number of word guidelines but your essay has a strong beginning, middle and end.
You use the metaphor of a butterfly which captures a perfect image of what your spirit must have been like leaving your home and family. I believe that one of the intents of an essay is to spark the readers' connection to your experience and you've done that with accurate imagery, in my opinion. I have had a similar experience moving 3,000 miles for college and maybe it's that I can relate to your essay so well, and I almost felt as if this essay could be a "treatment"/story board for a film. Easily.
Now, what I noticed was that there are a couple of punctuation and usage things that an auditor would notice. Your first quote should be : "We can come no further," my mother said. (comma not period) . "You don't even know how to use a washing machine," my mother told me. "M"other doesn't have to be capitalized in that sentence. There is also a place where the usage is off - "Since most of the dormitory WERE Asians" not was Asians. "Most" is more than one (singular) so you would say most were Asians. For that I would have someone in person look it over and correct it on a hard copy of the essay as they read it. But your writing is wonderful. It is engaging, picturesque and original.
I hope that this was a bit helpful and I wish you all the best in school - living the experience - and on to college for more new adventures !